This scene was not in the published version. I felt it was too descriptive—the reader already knows how Jay feels, no reason to spell it out so obviously.
Narrative Scene 27
My life living in a little room alone exhausting days at sea take-out food at night on one cares there is no future where does it lead maybe someday enough money saved move somewhere else but how can I ever start another business would a bank give me a loan and where should even go to live or work I could just die in this room and it would matter little…
I spoke into the darkness of my little cell.
“No.”
More loudly.
“No! I will overcome this; I will be restored. No one will help me. But I will not give up. I will bend life to my own desire and purposes.”
It felt good to say those words, and it made me feel stronger. But part of me knew they were just words. If the universe wanted to squash me like a bug, it could. On the other hand, it did not appear the universe even had an interest. I was of no importance. A small twig floating down a watery current of time, along with millions of other twigs, leaves, and whatever else washes down a stream. Perhaps that was the key. Put my head down, work, and hope the universe did ignore me. Leave me alone.
“That’s wrong,” I said to the cup of beer in my hand. “The universe intellect or will or design. Or, if it does, it is pure capriciousness. Perhaps it derives fun from watching innocent humans suffer and guilty humans prosper. Perhaps that’s the way it wants it. Contrary to all we want to believe, that is reality.
I gulped beer for a few seconds in defiance of that reality.
Yet sometimes innocent people prosper and guilty are punished. And sometimes innocent suffer a little and guilty suffer a little. It’s all random. There are no hearings. There is no evidence presented. There are no reasoned judgments based on facts and justice. The judge does whatever he wants when he wants.
“Just leave me alone!”
I raised the cup to my lips and downed the rest of it. I stood and balanced myself with a hand on the wall. I took off my shirt and pants and dropped onto the cot. The cup dropped to the floor, spent and useless.
To and Fro Upon the Earth is a captivating (and disturbing) story about a man who rejects the common answers to life, suffering, and injustice. In his life, in his dreams, and in painful flashbacks, Jay Adam faces the agony of grave injustice, experiences the cold hand of fate, and reluctantly embarks upon a questionable search for meaning and hope in a world that not only seems uncaring, but sometimes vindictive.
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