On a second or third date, we went to a wonderful little hole-in-the wall pub called Bottle & Pint. We were hitting it off well, and just getting to know each other. As we nursed our pints of ale, sitting at a bar table, she began taking things out of her gigantic purse and setting them on the table. As she took out each item, she told me about each one. Some were normal (chapstick, wallet), some were different (name tags, three hairbrushes), and some were strange (some weird wax-like bag with snacks). I remarked that I might be dating Mary Poppins without knowing it. Certainly, there was more in this purse than it should be able to hold. Like a Tardis for women’s accessories.
I took it as a compliment that she felt comfortable enough with me to lay it all out there, the expected, the unexpected, the funny, and even the embarrassing.
It struck me that this was a good analogy for relationships. To find someone that you can dump all of your stuff out in front of—good, bad, and ugly.
We have thoughts, insecurities, past traumas, that we may mention to others, but we usually don’t go into detail. Some things we keep to ourselves. Perhaps it is because we are afraid they would judge us harshly. Maybe we see a glazed look in their eyes and realize they would rather not hear it. Or they are friends who get frustrated with us because we can’t seem to deal with some of our traumas, and they tell us just to get over it, grow up, or quit over thinking.
Sometimes, we are the person listening. I think we should strive to sit quietly, as the person opposite take out elements of their life and places it on the table in front of us. Sit quietly, listen, ask questions. Not to judge, but to understand.
One of the characteristics of a genuine friend or lover is that you can show them the stuff that brings you joy, and they will rejoice with you. They’re not jealous, they don’t dismiss it. They are happy because you are happy.
Here is another important characteristic. They take out some things that caused them significant suffering or difficulty. And they hurt because you hurt. They don’t try to fix it, they don’t try to justify or downplay it. Their tears are your tears.
With a person such as this, we become more confident, and we can even take out the stuff we’re ashamed of. Stupid things I did, selfish things I did. A trauma that you don’t seem to be able to get past. Insecurity, feelings of worthlessness, or fears of abandonment. You lay it out there on the table: “I did this terrible thing, and now I am suffering the consequences.” And these people look at you with tears in their eyes, not because they are judging you, but because they know that we all fail. They know that we all have some shame in our past. Oscar Wilde wrote, “every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”
People who understand this do not pass judgment on others. “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.” If you have a conscience at all, when you catch yourself picking up a stone to throw at someone, you will put the stone down.
People like that are the salt of the earth, and restore my faith in humans. More than that, I want to be one of those people.
In a scene from the Apple TV+ series, Ted Lasso, Ted talks about being bullied when he was younger. He didn’t understand it until much later: those people thought that they had enough information to judge another person. But they didn’t. So they didn’t ask questions, they didn’t try to learn. He then told a story about a quote he saw from Walt Whitman, that made sense of it all: “Be inquisitive, not judgmental.”
While the attribution to Whitman is incorrect, the saying struck me as a healthy way to go through life in our encounters with others. It’s especially meaningful in today’s culture where we are all fast to judge, swift to label, and quick to dismiss. As if we know know enough about the person’s life to have a true understanding of why they think how they think, speak how they do, and live how they live.
Instead, we should listen to Ted Lasso. It will help us grow, it will help others be heard, and it will make the world a better place.
Be inquisitive, not judgmental.
